Funny things that happen in church

**namgrunt** · 07-17-2013, 02:58 PM

We all get a smile, or, at least a grin when we think of some seemingly innocent things that happen at church.
Here are a few I thought of, or, remembered. Do you remember any?

First, one of the straightest arrow type guys was elected to be the Director of the
Sunday School. He stood to thank everyone for electing him and says "I feel like a
mosquito in a nudism camp, I just don't know where to begin!" That got a big laugh
from the congregation!

Second, there was a little kid who was ALWAYS causing trouble. Of course, in his
parents' eyes he was an angel. He never did anything serious, but he was always up
to something. One Sunday, his family sat beside my family and he was sitting right
next to my Mom. When we stood to sing a hymn, he took the gum from his mouth and put
in on the pew right where my Mom had been sitting. Of course, when she sat back down,
it got all in her dress. My Dad wanted to kill the little SOB, but Mom restrained him.
But, Dad did have a word of prayer with his parents.

my younger brother was sitting next to my Dad. Dad has fallen asleep during
one of the minister's more boring sermons. My Mom leaned over to my brother and said
"Bump your Dad and wake him up." My brother swings his arm and elbows Dad right in
the ribs. My Dad must have jumped 2 feet into the air! He stayed awake the rest of
the service!

We were at an Easter service years ago when they called the children down for children
's church. The preacher always had a little lesson for the kids and always included
them in the lesson. This day he began by commenting on the children's Easter dresses,
etc. He told Katie that her dress was very nice, she of course replied "Thank You".
He then turned to Elizabeth and said, "Elizabeth, your dress is beautiful, and one
of the prettiest I've ever seen." Elizabeth didn't hesitate and said,"Yes, but it's
a Bitch to iron." Needless to say, the congregation busted out laughing and her mom
just sunk down in the pew. We still get a laugh out of this on occasion.

We were sitting in church one Sunday morning and started smelling something horrible.
We thought it was the older woman in front of us passing gas. Well turned out my
cousin had gotten into his dads aftershave and cologne, mixed them all together
while putting them on. Had to sit thru an hour of smelling that was not fun.

was probably 8-10 years old and supposed to be gettiing ready for church but decided
to march in Mom's bedroom and tell I wasn't going to church any more that i had
decided to be an athiest....she told me real quick..."you ain't smart enough to be
an athiest,you're just a heathen,now get in there and get dressed before I take a
switch to your rear"....

one of best stories i ever heard was told by lewis Grizzard....seems this country
preacher gave one of those fire and brimstone sermons then invited his congregation
to stand up and confess their sins....one man stood up and hollered out that he had
been a drunkard and the preacher said, tell it all brother,the man said he had
gambled and the preacher said "tell it all brother"...the man said she had chased
loose women and the preacher hollered back 'tell it all brother" and the man went
through several sins and preacher kept telling him to "tell it all brother" and
finally the the man said "I've had sex with a goat...there was a pause and the
preacher said..."don't believe I woulda told that brother"....

Sitting behind a family one Sunday morning during prayer when one the children,
about 4 yrs old passed gas. Not like we didn't already know but she says really
loud "Mommy I Farted" I couldn't hold it. Forgive me Lord.

**Mac Daddy** · 07-17-2013, 06:26 PM

Several years ago we had a young man in our church that had some mild learning disabilities. At the time he was maybe 13 years old. He always sat on the front row right in front of the pulpit and for the most part you never heard a peep out of him and he never cause any co-motion or anything. So one time we were having what we Baptist call a revival and we had an evangelist there and he was giving it his all when Tommy raised his hand. At first the evangelist tried to ignore it but when Tommy didn't get called on to ask a question he began this long slow wave from side to side until the evangelist finally stop his preaching and said "Young man do you have a question?" Tommy replied "Yes sir, next time do you think we could get Jimmy Swaggart?" With that the church roared in laughter and basically the sermon was over. (Not sure how to get this to space down and start another paragraph) But on another occasion we were having another revival and Tommy assumed his usual position in front of the pulpit. But this time right in the middle of the message Tommy jumped up flipped open his billfold and speaking into it yelled "Beam me up Scotty! Beam me up!!!" I guess maybe the message was getting to him and he needed to get out of there.

**pvchief1** · 07-18-2013, 07:08 PM

My daughter, who was 2 at the time, was sitting 2nd row from the front of the church with her Aunt. Somehow she gave Auntie the slip, went under the front seat while simultaneously coming out of her clothes, and ended up on top of the altar naked as a jaybird. Needless to say the focus went from the sermon to the streaker, a little embarassing to say the least.

**SeaRay** · 07-18-2013, 07:17 PM

Our preacher called the little kids down front for childrens church one Easter. He asked them what had floppy ears, a round fluffy tail and hops. One little girl made a face and said, "I know I am supposed to say Jesus, but it sounds like a rabbit to me."
That pretty much ended the lesson.
SeaRay

**Jerkey Log** · 07-18-2013, 07:26 PM

Easter Sunday, children's sermon, Preacher, who can tell me about the resurrection? Little Johnny says all I know is that if it last's over 4 hours you should call your Doctor!

**Joedog** · 07-19-2013, 11:44 AM

My wife and I had a bad case of "the mumblies" in service a few years ago. Y'know, where you're laughing uncontrollably but trying to hold it in so you're just shaking and wheezing in your seat?

What happened was, the minister was going on and on about the book of Lamentations, this book of misery and woe, and he's getting more and more emphatic as he went. Then he says:

"Then, in the middle of all this complaining, in chapter 3 verse 22, the writer breaks out into this ejaculation of prayer!"

Couldn't much tell you what he said after that because we were just trying to stop laughing.

I just KNEW he had somehow misused that word, so when I got home I looked it up to see if there was another definition. To my chagrin, I saw definition #3:

Name: Ejaculation.JPG
Views: 481
Size: 48.5 KB

We still laugh about it now, though.

**talltimber** · 07-23-2013, 01:12 PM

My Granny and Papaw carried me to church with them when I was a kid. My Papaw was a deacon (Baptist) for years. They had hardwood uncushioned pews back then. I had a little gas one trip I guess, and it would absolutely reverberate off those pews. It was amazing, almost like an amplifier, and the "popping" was clearly heard. I just realized that I'm still impressed by what I did. My grandparents were not. I got a whoopin. Everybody thought it was funny but me. Stupid church.

**eric 3501** · 10-08-2013, 09:28 PM

In all the Baptist Church's I have ever been in, All them pews are made of HARD wood...to this day.

**ripnlips** · 10-09-2013, 04:51 AM

Was taking my mom to church and one of my brothers girls wanted to sit with greatgramma and I. We were not there very long and she not too quitely states I see my dad! When greatgramma asked where he was she said he has the shiney spot on the top of his head, about 30 guys turned to look. They all had shiney spots.

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