With all of this seriousness, let everyone post a funny joke(keep it clean) to make everyone crack a smile again. I will put some of my own in as this thread gets going!
<,"}/>{ Rippa
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With all of this seriousness, let everyone post a funny joke(keep it clean) to make everyone crack a smile again. I will put some of my own in as this thread gets going!
<,"}/>{ Rippa
My Personal favorite:
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
That was good Zig. Here is one:
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time, and couldn't find a space with a meter. He then put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled this block 10 times. If I don't park here, I will miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I could lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
<,"}/>{ Rippa
10 things to do @ Walmart, etc. while your wife is shopping, but this can be used anywhere:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato jiuce on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: "Code 3 in Housewares" and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream: "NO! NO! It's those voices again!".
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone."
8. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme to "Mission: Impossible".
9. Hide in a clothes rack and when people browse through, say: "Pick me, pick me."
10. Go into the FITTING ROOM, shut the door, wait 5 minutes and then yell loudly: "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!".
That one was for you FATBOY! :p
<,"}/>{ Rippa
lol Those are good ones. Why do you take two baptist fishing with you? If you take two they won't drink your beer. If you take one he'll drink all your beer.
3 Cowboys where sitting around the campfire late one night. When the topic about being tough was brought up. The first cowboy insisted who was the toughest amongst the 3 because, one time he had lassoed a wounded bull with a broken arm. The second cowboy said he much much tougher because one night under the stars a pair of rattlesnakes crawled inside his sleepimg bag and he grabbed them both with his bare hands and bit there rattlers clean off with two swift bites.
The third cowboy just smiled as he churned the coals in the fire with his Penis :D
I was fishing below the dam one day at Shelbyville and an old catfisherman was sitting next to me. The fishing was slow so I mentioned to him that I had seen a fellow catch a walleye the day before that I bet would go 12 to 13 lbs. He said that a few nights earlier he had hooked an old lantern. I said what is so great amout that? There is pobably all kinds of junk in here. He replied that this lantern was still lit. I told him I wasn't buying that story. He frowned and then with a grin he replied, "Tell you what sonny. You knock ten pounds off that walleye and I'll blow out the flame.
Thats a good one Tim. Seems like you might know me.:)
A guy gets in his car but realizes his battery is dead and has to walk all the way home to get his jumper cables. On the way back to his car he is hot & thirsty so he goes into a bar to get a cold one. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "OK, you can stay and have a drink but don't start anything!"
Here is one I got in an email today:
World's "Thinnest Books "
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by John Kerry
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson :D
<,"}/>{ Rippa