Likes Likes:  0
Thanks Thanks:  0
HaHa HaHa:  0
Page 5 of 34 FirstFirst ... 234567815 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 337

Thread: Hey everyone, share a good joke here to lighten us all up!

  1. #41
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Danbury, NC
    Posts
    5,175
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default sack full of crappies


    One day there were 2 men walking down a dirt path - 1 of them had a sack over his shoulder - the other decided to ask what he had in the sack - when asked the man said I got me some crappies for dinner tonight - Mmm Mmm Mmm crappie sure sounds good - how many crappie you got in that sack - well I tell you, if you can guess how many crappie I got in this sack I'll give both of them to you
    with my mind on crappie and crappie on my mind -
    and if ya'll see Goober later tellem I said duh huh - he'll know what ya mean!!!!!!!!

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Danbury, NC
    Posts
    5,175
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Bubba Claus

    A new contract for santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully -

    I regret to inform that effective immediately I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Xmas Eve. Due to the over whelming current population of the earth my contract was renegotiated by the North American Faries and Elves Local 329. I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my 3rd cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering to all good boys and girls; however there are a few diffferences between us.

    1. There is no danger in the Grinch stealing Christmas from Bubba Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads These toys insured by "Smith & Wesson".

    2. Instead of milk and cookies Bubba Claus prefers RC and pork rinds and a moon pie for something sweet - and Bubba don't smoke a pipe - but he will need a spit cup for his chew of Red Man he will have.

    3. Bubba Claus' sled is pulled by floppy eared coon dogs. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of rein deer one time and Blitzens head is now over Bubbas' fireplace.

    4. You won't hear " On Comet on Cupid on Donner and Blitzen". When Bubba Claus arrives you will hear " On Earnhart, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot, and Petty."

    5. Ho ho ho ! has been relaced by Yee Haw ! and I heard dat!

    6. As required by southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sled does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back of it with the words "Back Off" on it. Also there is a sticker showing Santa peeing on the tooth fairy.

    7. The usual Christmas Movie Classics such as Miracle on 34th street and its a Wonderful Life will not be shwn in your negoitiated area. Instead you will see Boss Hog Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV starring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus.

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt so I would make sure the wife and kids look the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

    9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph the red nose rein deer and Santa Claus is coming to town. This years songs will be Bubba Claus shot the juke box by Mark Chesnut and Cletus T. Judd's All I wnat for Christmas is my woman and a six pack, and Hank Willaims Jr's If you don't like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove it."

    Sincerely Yours,
    Santa Claus
    North American Fairies and Elves Local 329
    with my mind on crappie and crappie on my mind -
    and if ya'll see Goober later tellem I said duh huh - he'll know what ya mean!!!!!!!!

  3. #43
    Barnacle Bill's Avatar
    Barnacle Bill is offline Super Mod and 2014 Crappie.com Man of the Year * Crappie.com Supporter
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Chesapeake, Va
    Posts
    20,316
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Good one! Crap King
    Fair Winds and Following Seas

    Bill H. PTC USN Ret
    Chesapeake, Va


  4. #44
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Davenport, Iowa
    Posts
    803
    Post Thanks / Like

    Talking Yup! Got this un from another board too!

    This wasn't mine, but I thought I would pass it on cuz I got some giggles on a few! Merry Christmas everyone, and may you never have to read "Some Assembly Required" through your holidays!!
    :p <,"}/>{ Rippa

    If you get tools for Christmas.
    What tools really do.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing artwork, seats and leather jackets.

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
    1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

    TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
    Last edited by Tim The Lippa Rippa Mon; 12-21-2004 at 09:36 PM.
    Just one more cast, I promise!
    Common sense isn't all that common these days.
    Take the Time & Take the Kids

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    37
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
    >
    >
    >
    >So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
    >Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
    >God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
    >woman.
    >
    >
    >
    >He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
    >and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
    >
    >
    >
    >She will always agree with every decision you make
    >and she will not nag you. and will always be the first
    >to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
    >She will praise you!
    >
    >
    >
    >She will bear your children.
    >
    >
    >
    >and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
    >them.
    >
    >
    >"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely
    >give you love and passion whenever you need it."
    >
    >
    >Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
    >
    >God replied, "An arm and a leg."
    >
    >
    >
    >Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >Of course the rest is history......................
    >
    >

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Poplar Bluff, Mo.
    Posts
    256
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    A little Koala Bear was on vacation in New York City. He was walking down 42nd street when a hooker came up to him. "You want to party?" the hooker said..

    The Koala being in a vacation and in festive mood said, "Sure, I'm on vacation!"

    So off they go to a hotel room. After the hookers business was done she said to him, "That will be 300 bucks."

    "What!" said the Koala Bear. "That's 300 bucks, I'm a prostitute." said the hooker.

    " What's a prostitute?" said the Koala. The hooker reaches in her purse and pulls out a dictionary and looks up the word prostitute.

    She reads..."Prostitute, performs sexual favors for money".

    The Koala scratches his head and says, "I'm a Koala Bear!" "So what", she says. "What's a Koala Bear?

    He then takes the dictionary from the hooker and looks up Koala Bear.

    He hands the dictionary back to the hooker.

    She reads..."Koala Bear.....eats bush and leaves."
    "You should have been here yesterday!"

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    West of the MILL
    Posts
    2,398
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default hooter

    Lmfao! Now that's a good one :D
    I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Poplar Bluff, Mo.
    Posts
    256
    Post Thanks / Like

    Talking What I meant to say.......

    A couple of friends were talking one afternoon when one said,

    "I've never been so embarrassed than I was today." "Why" said his friend.

    Well you know I was going to Pittsburg and today I went to the airport to get my tickets." "There was this great looking lady behind the counter with the most beautiful breasts."

    "Yeah so what's wrong with that?" said the friend.

    "Well what I meant to say to her was..... "May I have two tickets to Pittsburg?" "Instead I said.....May I have two pickets to Tittsburg". "Boy was I embarrassed!" said the guy.

    His buddy laughed and said, "Ah man don't worry about it." "It happen's to me all the time." "Just this morning me and the little lady were having breakfast and what I meant to say was...."Honey would you pass me the butter?"

    "Instead I said, "You bitch you've ruined my life."
    "You should have been here yesterday!"

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Danbury, NC
    Posts
    5,175
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Did I say that????
    with my mind on crappie and crappie on my mind -
    and if ya'll see Goober later tellem I said duh huh - he'll know what ya mean!!!!!!!!

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    19
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    The Pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
    He asks the clerk "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"
    The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
    The Pharmacist yells: You idiot" You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
    "Of course you can!!! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!

Page 5 of 34 FirstFirst ... 234567815 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

BACK TO TOP