A new contract for santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully -
I regret to inform that effective immediately I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Xmas Eve. Due to the over whelming current population of the earth my contract was renegotiated by the North American Faries and Elves Local 329. I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my 3rd cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering to all good boys and girls; however there are a few diffferences between us.
1. There is no danger in the Grinch stealing Christmas from Bubba Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads These toys insured by "Smith & Wesson".
2. Instead of milk and cookies Bubba Claus prefers RC and pork rinds and a moon pie for something sweet - and Bubba don't smoke a pipe - but he will need a spit cup for his chew of Red Man he will have.
3. Bubba Claus' sled is pulled by floppy eared coon dogs. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of rein deer one time and Blitzens head is now over Bubbas' fireplace.
4. You won't hear " On Comet on Cupid on Donner and Blitzen". When Bubba Claus arrives you will hear " On Earnhart, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot, and Petty."
5. Ho ho ho ! has been relaced by Yee Haw ! and I heard dat!
6. As required by southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sled does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back of it with the words "Back Off" on it. Also there is a sticker showing Santa peeing on the tooth fairy.
7. The usual Christmas Movie Classics such as Miracle on 34th street and its a Wonderful Life will not be shwn in your negoitiated area. Instead you will see Boss Hog Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV starring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt so I would make sure the wife and kids look the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph the red nose rein deer and Santa Claus is coming to town. This years songs will be Bubba Claus shot the juke box by Mark Chesnut and Cletus T. Judd's All I wnat for Christmas is my woman and a six pack, and Hank Willaims Jr's If you don't like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove it."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
North American Fairies and Elves Local 329