Chronological Account of the Worst Fishing Trip of My Life

[eminart]

Most of my saturday and sunday afternoon were used up painting kitchen cabinets. But, I did get out and have some "fun" Saturday night.


This is a true account. If some parts seem dumb, they were. If the mosquito numbers seem exaggerated, know they are conservatively estimated to protect the weak.


5:30 pm Decided to take my kayak on a night fishing trip for the fist time in search of crappie.
5:40 Opted to wear shorts and sandals to make launching kayak easy. Insect repellent is in my truck.
6:45 pm On the way, remembered I didn't bring any water to drink. Not a huge deal, stopped and bought Gatorade, but an ominous sign, in retrospect.
7:10 pm Insect repellent is NOT in truck. Remember it's in Jeep at home.
7:15 pm Loading gear into kayak at the water. Remembered I didn't bring anything to light my lantern. Latern is crucial for the fishing technique I'd planned to use.
7:20 pm Search truck for anything resembling a lighter or match.
7:27 pm Search river bank for anything resembling a lighter or match.
7:35 pm Try to light various pieces of paper and grass on fire using my truck's built-in lighter. Doesn't work, only smolders.
7:45 pm Desperation sets in. Connect jumper cables to truck battery and try to light lantern by sparking them together. Never do this, see 12:01 am. Also, doesn't work.
8:00 pm Decide to make do and fish as best I can with the two flashlights I have.
8:05 pm Begin paddling.
8:05:30 Swarmed by every mosquito in northern Alabama and southern Tennessee.
8:20 pm Arrive at spot I'd previously decided would be great for night fishing. Weak from mosquito blood loss, but eager to fish.
9:20 pm There isn't a single fish in this lake. Legs and arms are one continuous welt from the hundreds of mosquito bites.
10:00 pm Missed the first bite I'd had due to swatting mosquitoes.
10:02 pm Missed the last bite I had due to swatting mosquitoes.
11:30 pm In an anemic haze, my brain tells me if I don't get back to my truck, I'll die in this spot.
11:55 pm Arrive at truck, load gear, eager for a shower, some sort of itch relief, and my bed.
12:01 am Turn truck key. Battery is dead.
12:01 am Sob.
12:05 am Pop the hood and stare at the battery.
12:06 am Turn the truck key again. Staring didn't work.
12:10 am Settle in for a night of truck sleep.
12:30 am Sweating and suffocating. Crack windows slightly.
12:50 am Sweating and suffocating. Fighting a hundred mosquitoes.
12:55 am Roll up windows. Continue losing battle with mosquito horde.
1:02 am Watch car drive slowly past my turnoff in the middle of the woods.
1:05 am - 2:10 am Close eyes for two minutes, open them, turn on flashlight, kill three mosquitoes. Repeat every two minutes.
2:11 am Watch creepy car go back the other way.
2:12 am - 4:30 am Close eyes for two minutes, open them, turn on flashlight, kill three mosquitoes. Repeat every two minutes.
4:30 am Notice dawn is coming.
5:30 am Get out of truck steambox and breathe fresh air.
5:40 am Watch my last sunrise.
6:30 am Eat five blackberries for breakfast.
6:45 am See surface activity. Cast jig and catch small bluegill.
6:46 am Consider eating bluegill. Remember I have no fire. Hate sushi. Choose death. Throw bluegill back.
7:15 am Creepy car returns. Flag him down and ask for a jump.
7:18 am In my weakened state, connect jumper cables backwards and melt them.
7:30 am Strip insulation from cables and jerry-rig them. Truck starts.
8:00 am Shower.

[rebranger]

FUNNIE!! GREAT REPORT & GOTTA BE TRUE!!

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[stormcloud]

Next time take someone with you. Make you a check off list to view before you leave the house. Put on the list water, lighter,
new jumper cables, mosquito spray, spare battery, kayak, rod & reels, and a leash.

[StantheMan2567]

YIKES!

[rebranger]

Leash? Ok what for?

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[ET Fish]

That’s hilarious! You just can’t make that stuff up!

[SpeckledSlab]

Think ThermaCell, won’t jump a truck but will keep mosquitoes away. We keep one in each vehicle, just in case. Glad you came through it safe.

[t00lmanii]

Leash? Ok what for?

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Being a sometime kayak fisherman myself, I would guess the leash he is speaking of is the kind that secures your rod/reel to the kayak. Nothing more fun than watching your extra rod/reel quickly sinking out of sight as it is dragged out of its' holder by the anchor line.....the floating fish basket line......your movement to get something out of the cooler that is bungee corded behind your seat....and on and on, lol

["G"]

After reading all that....somehow my worst day ever just got better I look forward to reading your future reports.

[Slabprowler]

Sometimes it all goes wrong ! But just think of all the malnutrition misquotes that you saved from allowing them to gorge on you all night. And the blue gill saved you from being skunked on that trip! And I’m sure you slept well after ther shower ! Maybe better luck next time!