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Thread: Bad Chili

  1. #1
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    Default Bad Chili


    It's long, but it is worth the read. I think it is safe to say we've all been there a time or two.


    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
    course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
    prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're
    definitely going to **** yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
    the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from
    me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
    cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
    'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
    through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
    usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder
    and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
    when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store
    that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a
    cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It
    wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms
    that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
    talking about I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always
    seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
    different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
    revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
    small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
    before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
    would bring sweet relief, it
    happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
    enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
    recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
    might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
    lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it,
    just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
    reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
    as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
    different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some
    of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as
    she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
    odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
    running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head
    as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
    terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
    'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
    explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
    echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
    fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced
    off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
    whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
    place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
    the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
    ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
    the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
    gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
    cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
    approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
    minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
    The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
    which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
    me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
    cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
    YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
    unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
    to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was
    nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The
    next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that
    because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're
    going to have to repaint the store...
    Soldiers and Firefighters. Some people were meant to call 911, Some were meant to BE 911

  2. #2
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    HogBoy,
    I have seen funny stuff on here before, and we chuckle about it and say good 1. You sir have had me laughing out loud, complete with tears in the eyes. Thank you so very much! My mood deffinatly need lifting and you got it done. Thank you for the funniest thing i have heard in a long time. HogBoy you are truly a master!
    Stinkies Daddy

  3. #3
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    lol Its not my work. I got it from a friend and I couldnt hardly read it I was laughing so hard. Problem is I was reading it the night before when my Wife was asleep. Thought I was going to explode. Glad I could make you laugh. I was wondering though you call your Daughter Stinky. Did you feed her Chili one time hehe
    Soldiers and Firefighters. Some people were meant to call 911, Some were meant to BE 911

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by father of 4 View Post
    lol Its not my work. I got it from a friend and I couldnt hardly read it I was laughing so hard. Problem is I was reading it the night before when my Wife was asleep. Thought I was going to explode. Glad I could make you laugh. I was wondering though you call your Daughter Stinky. Did you feed her Chili one time hehe
    We dont call here stinky on here any more, last year someone on here asked if we could come up with a diff name for her because she was such a beautiful lil girl. i asked for suggestions and got plenty and we came up with Katchin Katie the PanFish Princess.

    As far as her being stinky, my gawd she was! and although chili is her fav, it wasnt because of that. i think it had something to do with mother natures milk if you know what i mean! and she would never sleep, i can remember drivin her around in my truck for about an hour in a snow storm at 2am, she finally did go to sleep i was to afraid to move her so i parked the truck in the drive way and let it idle all night long as i sat there watching the snow. looking back i think it was one of the most peacful nights i ever had, i dont think the neighbors felt the same way due to the hi perf 350 pushing exhaust thru some very loud flow master racing muffs lol
    Stinkies Daddy

  5. #5
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    lol Well looking at her pics she sure is a princes. But you know even princes can be stinky hehe. Its funny I bet you were a little misserable at first but now like you said when you look back it was great.
    Soldiers and Firefighters. Some people were meant to call 911, Some were meant to BE 911

  6. #6
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    That has to be one of the funniest things i've ever read, simply because every man has been in that position and knows exactly how it feels. I too was laughing out loud and getting strange looks from my wife.
    Goodnight Vienna...Pistols Firing!!!

  7. #7
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    Welcome to the crowd zin me and Stinkies Daddy both get the same looks from our wifes
    Soldiers and Firefighters. Some people were meant to call 911, Some were meant to BE 911

  8. #8
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    absolutely hilarious, couldn`t hardly finish reading for laughing so hard.

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