For www.crappie.com  February 4, 2009

Hi.  My name is “Funky” and I am a maggot.  I never  knew my mother and my father because they flew off and left me all alone in a place of rotting and decaying meat. This is me. I was born on the hottest day of August.  It was the 17^th. I was always the darkest one in the family. That’s me on the lower right side of this family photo.  I tried to keep track of my 875 brothers and my 621 sisters, but they all kept dropping off the crib of meat flesh.

I was always so happy whenever a bird came by the
family home.  There was one red bird that was my favorite.  He would always be singing and chirping up a storm whenever I saw him.   I thought he was my friend until one day he tried to pick me up in his mouth.  I cried and I cried like a baby until finally he became so disgusted and dropped me on my big old butt. 

One day I lost my grip and fell off into a stinking old garbage can that was placed right below my birth bed.  Man it was very horrible in there too.  I was always
hungry looking for something to put in my mouth. I could always find me a rotted potato or some raw lettuce in that can. Life for me was good, but it sure was hot in there.

All was going well until I met Tony.  My life changed forever after that.  Tony was a fisherman.  Tony was picking me up and a lot of the new friends I had made. He said “Funky it’s time for you and your friends to go to manhood training.”

I didn’t know what that meant but it sure sounded great.  The next thing I knew I was being thrown into a  cup filled with cornmeal  and sawdust and placed in a refrigerator. I stayed there for a few days until my manhood training was complete.  All the time I was in there I kept hearing the theme to “Rocky and Chariots of Fire.”  I was ready for whatever awaited me.  This is the moment I had been waiting for.  Change had come to Funky and I was a grown maggot now.

Tony said we are going to teach you how to swim. I saw Tony throw a handful of my friends into the lake.  He told them it was the final part of their manhood training. 
 I saw hundreds of bluegills attacking them and creating a feeding frenzy.  Man was I scared out of my freaking mind. I looked up at Tony with my big old eyes and said “Is it ok if I skip this part of training?  “I’m not feeling it right now!”

Then I saw his big old hand reaching for me.  He said “Funky you are the biggest old maggot I have ever seen.  Them fish are gonna like you.” Then he grabbed me and stuck a hook up my butt. I yelled “Oh sheeskalambooska” and tried to wriggle off the hook but he just threw my butt in the water.  After all I had done, Tony just threw my big old funky butt into the cold water!

This was a rather disgusting idea  especially since that big old Crappie kept staring at me.  I tried to stare him down but I was so scared that something was coming oout of the back end of me.  That is when the fish attacked!  Mr. crappie had me in his big old mouth and it was cold and dark in there.  That’s the last thing I remember. I irresistible to the fish.